What he is asking me is what vintage year is this wine. ‘Cause I was 37. And love is love is love is love is love, right? And how to never have them have trauma or fear in their life. Jen Kirkman, who has been performing since the late 1990s, in her debut special on Netflix, “I’m Gonna Die Alone (And I Feel Fine).” When … Yoo-hoo, fellas. You’re like, “Why does she care?” She was masturbating. This is not rock and roll trivia, old lady edition. You’re nesting. Not even Santa gets to come in my room. My body is like… I’m like, “Come on, body, we can make it one more night. I’m not seeing anything. The guy, British guy. Now there’s two guys in there. It’s fine. “Get outta here!” Get out, you young people! I don’t want a new one suddenly. – Oh, cool. I’m just not in a couple anymore. Someone this big certainly shouldn’t. I swear I would get married again. I’m gonna go to a place where they do that professionally. “Not my fault you didn’t do the laundry. Do you remember? Just take the… Take the money. I’m 40. OK. OK.” Well, maybe put your wine glasses on the phone with our nut bowls. Did that house turn 40? I’M GONNA DIE ALONE (AND I FEEL FINE) Rooftop Comedy is proud to release the comedy album version (July 2016) of Jen Kirkman's "I Am Gonna Die Alone (And I Feel Fine), which contains material from the special of the same name, streaming now on Netflix. I think it’s nice. I know, when you’re in your 40s and you’re some guy, having age-appropriate sex and age-inappropriate sex is sort of like two different kinds of plates. I’m just like her. It’s wonderful. Normal guy. “That’s it. Smart and brazen comedian Iliza Shlesinger applies her fresh, laugh-out-loud perspective to the universal struggles between men and women. Oh, Jen, that’s actually not how we answer him. So cute, right? Someone is gassing you ’cause they secretly hate you. It could mean maybe they smoked all through their teens. I’ll come back then. He walks right in and says, “I’d like a vodka tonic.” The bartender said, “Do you want a lemon or a lime with that?” And then he just went, “Uh, yeah, no… ” “I, uh… Lemon or lime. I wasn’t thinking about how old I was as opposed to how old he was. That was it. Because a toddler would be in a suit, so concerned with not getting carded that he would be up there… If he didn’t know the question. Don’t do it. I get home, my friend says to me, “You know that guy was 20?” I’m like, “Who cares?” I’m a cougar. So I would like more specificity in my climate change reporting. It was like a party.” No. I was saying to people, “I’m not gonna have wrinkles when I turn 40.” I’m not gonna have wrinkles.” And I didn’t. She cut his dick off, she drove to the woods, she threw it out the window and then it landed there and I touched it. I have to have a situation that is true. But she used to say to me, “Be independent so that you’re not dependent as an old woman. What am I, a nurse? It was nice. If she was in the next room, “Mommy, there’s a monster under my bed,” I’d be real with her. It’s romantic. It’s not a big deal. Beep-beep! I never have to think about things like, “When am I supposed to masturbate?” And thank you for laughing. Like, it’s happening. I can get grease on this and it doesn’t complain.” I can flip it around. Is it like Whac-A-Mole boobs? iPhone clipped on the belt. Please.” We didn’t live in the same city. “I promise, next time I come over.” So, Lee comes running out of the room, screaming. No, I don’t. There we go. Why did I care about wrinkles? Have some self-respect, right? “Do you need money for college books?” Like, I don’t know. Here we go, 6 a.m. I can’t move it. – I can’t have that. I’m just saying he has full control of the language. I mean the day that you and your partner shut the door and one of you is in the apartment and the other is on the other side, looking for somewhere to live. You had to get in the door. I’m putting eyeshades on. “You let your son hang out at a gas station?” I’m like, “He’s not my son. He thinks it’s his litter box. No, I’m 40. Please cremate me so that you can’t drag my body to Zumba class. I’m just like my mom. “Go to the town hall. I’m 40 with gray pubic hair. I will start smoking again. Have we… ? That’s the one I want. It’s like having a roommate. Let me tell you something. But it’s very strange to have a second mother, right? I’m hoping. He has someone’s house mortgage in his hands. Starring: Jen Kirkman. Too old to party, too young to settle down, comedian Taylor Tomlinson takes aim at her life choices. But we want him to feel like anything is possible. You must be able to go, “I’m getting a death. You’re like, “I give to Kittens Without Whiskers charity every year.” I know. I’m not. For society? Fuck you.” “Let’s stay together.” That’s it. My friends go, “Jennifer, you are very rude.” They call me Jennifer when I’m being bad. Yeah. Don’t you see?”. Here’s the thing that’s a problem for me. You were born… You don’t even know where you are. That’s why you didn’t know. She made it that old. – Yeah. It’s like a drunk passing out or a woman who cries at night. “Meredith? I have a couples’ dinner, and it’s my business. Jen Kirkman: I'm Gonna Die Alone (And I Feel Fine) Our wedding was fun. First, I’m gonna get that cougar chest with the, um, with the freckles. Because one of my friends is taking a psychology course about raising a toddler. Why wouldn’t they be for me if I love them? They each need their own bowl. He doesn’t want this. I don’t care. He asks me out for the next night. And an ex-boyfriend comes towards me, one I really loved. Don’t make me go through this. No, but I do. Guy’s gained all this weight since you’ve been married. I might put rose petals in it. So, I thought about a penis one time. But I worry. But it doesn’t mean they’re old. But I think it’s nice to be with people your own age. She's no stranger to breaking glass ceilings. But my friend goes, “I really want you to be in Lee’s life more.” I come over, he’d already gone to bed. Yeah. Tell other gay people that I’m funny. I’ve lost it since then. But it’s nice that it’s there. I don’t want to die, I just want to rest. I’m a size healthy!” And I just… No one’s saying anything. OK? I can do it whenever. So… Speaks English. And I’ve never had the urge to ruin my life. You go, “I didn’t know humans could get high off catnip.” You never fucking let people marry cats before. I really think, if you wake up and go, “I think I’m getting a cold,” you must know if you’re gonna die that day. And she gets to decide when he dies. I might just bust down the door with some pamphlets and start telling the truth about some things, man. Keep ’em. – No, we love supporting the arts. Life is hard. This is cool. How? And that’s where the story gets… sad. No. I’m in an alley, in some kind of Angelina Jolie Tomb Raider outfit. He’s never seen a tide before. Raised children, wasn’t allowed to get a license, per her husband. – Twenty years younger. “I want one of those cheese boards that spins.” When you’re married, you can’t reach the cheese. And I saw his profile. It turns out his car didn’t really break down. I don’t care how late it is. Everyone’s like, “No, my wedding was fun. I thought he was cute. Why don’t you get in touch with the fact that you moved across the country from your mom? But you get home, after the honeymoon. I saw the soap dispenser wasn’t working in the Delta Airlines lounge.” “Ma’am, please, this number is for reporting terrorists only.” “I don’t know what a terrorist looks like!” So I wish, though, I could have those “see something, say something” signs in real life. I know the consequences. Those are single-person plates.” I want married-person plates and not all that old energy around me. If it was white hair, no problem. She posts these long Facebook updates, my friend from high school… these long Facebook updates about her parenting. “In this home we built where we despise each other, we fuck all the time.” That’s not happening. I’m not getting up.” There’s murderers out there! – What? I really do. Marry a table. So I don’t have kids and I know you’re like, “I did not see that coming.” “You seem so maternal.” Now, I really never thought it was a big deal that I didn’t have kids, but it was people’s reactions to it that made me keep talking about it because I never thought it was anyone’s business but my own. So I will tell you a story about the first date I went on after my divorce. Netflix Original Comedy-Special von Jen Kirkman mit vielen cleveren und witzigen Einsichten über Scheidung, Kinder, Sex und das Leben ab 40. She loves him and he loves her. Her comedy specials are streaming now on Netflix; “I’m Gonna Die Alone (And I Feel Fine)” was hailed by … Get a nice eight, nine hours’ sleep. But every once in a while, you just want to eat off a paper plate, in front of the TV. Nothing. He couldn’t latch. I have a guy friend who’s kind of like me. You know what I mean? You can get right back into it. But they didn’t understand how horny I was. This is stupid. I gained some weight after I got married. Was this review helpful to you? So I know the man for me. Stream ad-free or purchase CD's and MP3s now on Amazon.com. Get over yourselves.” You don’t want to go. My grandma didn’t fall and hit her head, she wasn’t trying to get dressed. Do we have gay friends here tonight? You don’t own that dress. I had it different. '” Thank you. But God got me for bragging, because I got something else. I want you to come to our house. I’m still friends with all of the people. Thank you so much for coming. But I’m a child of 21 Jump Street, the television show. But he’s blown away. Whereas, if I’m alone in my apartment and I come stumbling out of the elevator going… … my neighbors would be like, “Oh, my God!” and not let me in. You’re probably not gonna be in it because it’s not a show about the audience, to be honest, not to be rude. Mr. Mittens and Cindy, it’s no different than human love. Yes. This Earth is overpopulated by billions of people, and there’s too many people on the planet, and people blame the two cutest groups, right? Jen Kirkman's original comedy special delivers some sharp, hilarious truths about life at 40 as filmed at the North Door in Austin, Texas. He just stands there, being a cat. He was 20. But I don’t go up to pregnant women, six months along, “You’ll change your mind.” They probably want to. So afterwards hopefully we’ll see you. But my head is so… It just doesn’t stop. And I wake up the next day so angry ’cause I didn’t get it out. And I’m proud of her in a weird way ’cause she did win. I can just do whatever, whenever. I’m more against weddings. I go get him. But in my head, I had to come up with something new. I did it, too. “So every night, I just say, ‘Go to hell, Freddie! I’m telling you, just pretend you don’t. Gay marriage is legal. I did not even think.”, Right, so I say to women, have a back-up plan, right? My parents could have done better. “My God, I hope no one’s home, I wanna keep doing this.” Ding-dong. “I don’t know why she doesn’t want to put on pajamas at seven on a Saturday and just really grow up.” Sometimes your other married friends don’t want to hang out with you either because they have marriage responsibilities as well. I have nothing against marriage. It’s glass and you can look at it. You try to keep the party going that Christmas. – Yeah? – It’s not good hang time. All rights reserved. You’re like, “That’s so cute.” And then Cindy’s there. Do not remind me… that I could be your mother if I had been a whore. That’s tough. Who knows? And I mean, he… He didn’t, uh… Oh, you can just say it. Put a blanket over your head. So I go, “But I can’t think about Johnny Depp, it’s not feasible.” I’ve never met Johnny Depp. But I’m just against weddings. It does that after marriage.” “It adds a protective layer.” “Of what? You little tramp. What I mean by normal is, like, somewhere in his 40s. She's halfway through her 20s, and she's over it. Do you need something to drink? That’s what’s gonna happen. So I was like, maybe he will like the same things as my nephew. That’s why. Like, “Why won’t she stop living?” You know… it’s time to rest. I think older men who date younger woman, you’re deplorable. I think that’s what she wanted to wear that day. She fucked me.” I go, “That’s not a story.” How? And, like, you know, how it’s silly or not silly, or whatever it is, because it’s not legal for everyone to get married in this country. I remember what I did. I’m not a political comic or anything like that, but I think about certain things like climate change. They should be coming over, smoking and ashing on your head. Alcohol is being served and they don’t let kids stay. But I have a second show after this and then it’s wrap up, – and then they load out and we… – But we never see you. He loves her. And she said, “I’m gonna die in the house he built and I’m gonna win.” I don’t know what she’s gonna win, but that was what she wanted. I fight for your marriage equality rights. But he said, “No, we didn’t stop at 7-Eleven on the way home.” I was wondering when you got this wine.” I was like, “Sweetie. “Whoa, dude, what?” Oh, my God, I can’t even believe you didn’t say anything sooner. That’s cute. I feel like people will just start driving cars into humans. That’s just called a man. And he doesn’t say anything, right away. – Oh, we don’t swear in front of him. It’s great.” He’s my best friend. He had a button-down shirt tucked into his pants, with a belt. I’d be like, “Of course there is, that’s where they live.” I’d get my 20-year-old boyfriend. Their cat’s on their lap, they lick it off their lap. “Um… Can you come by? Doing whatever she wants. And I travel a lot and I see those signs in the airport. Stand up. You can have sunlight on your face. Canadian comic Katherine Ryan explains the perks of dating younger men. She loved it, she was fucking me.” “You leave Megan Fox alone!” You know, I start getting angry. Here’s what happened. – Allistar, this is Jen. I cannot say about this, “Well, my vagina smoked in the ’80s, didn’t it?” Or, “I put that thing right out in the sun with tinfoil sometime.” Just burned it to a crisp. We have snack-nut bowls.” They’re like, “We were gonna try to get laid.” You’re like, “Oh, my God!” Suddenly go, “That’s disgusting. I’m a vegetarian. Yeah, this is my boyfriend. I could have said it sucked. It’s so judgmental.” Not true. “If I put my hand in that house, I’m gonna get dry pennies.” I might just turn this into condos or a golf course. He was very hungry. Like, ah, forget it. Like, we’re not causing chaos with our stupidity, right? Jen Kirkman: I'm Gonna Die Alone (And I Feel Fine) 2015 | 16+ | 1h 18m | Stand-Up Comedy. I think divorce helps, too. Not even Amy Winehouse died in such a fucked-up outfit. If I had a daughter, I know it. Or I’d shave it into a mohawk, like Billy Idol. Society is stupid. This means that the factory inside my body is starting to shut down, right? “Oh, I hope someone comes by.” It’s sad. And she wanted to die in that house. I feel like except for two scientists that won’t tell me when I can start smoking and then us, everything else is an abomination. It was a lot. He’s like… He goes, “No, no, I really still want to hang out.” I really just can’t drive. What?” “No, Jen, you’re not understanding. I understand. In ten years, she will be in bed with something fatter and hairier than when she first met him. Let’s all do better than our parents. They’re probably crying ’cause they’re looking out the window going, “Why am I in the sky?” They don’t know. Suddenly my pants didn’t fit here. – When you say that there is no juice, it makes him feel like there is no juice. Use the HTML below. It doesn’t look cool. I was in his peripheral vision. So these are things you have to think about, right? Check out her tour dates , follow her on Twitter , and listen to her podcast . What’s a soul? You have to think about certain things when you include family. I tweet sometimes, and I… I do what I can. Wouldn’t that be nice? Writer/actress/comedienne Chelsea Peretti presents a re-imagining of the hour-long special. OK. Jen Kirkman's original comedy special delivers some sharp, hilarious truths about life at 40 as filmed at the North Door in Austin, Texas. My life is changing rapidly.” And you think everybody cares. Allistar, darling, the world is full of juice, and you can have as much juice as you want. But it did work. – Oh, thank you. You’re not on… – Make sure we’re not on camera. If he says something like, “I see cellulite,” I can be like, “You have hair in your ears. And that’s why they had to send Demi Moore to jail, ’cause she lost it. I do all the things to this that women do. I believe. And he goes, “That. That doesn’t mean you’re old. He pees everywhere. “Goddamn it!” If you know any women that are bitchy, they’re not on their period. And he died in a hospital. You think, “Thank God we’re not on the singles scene. He goes, “When did you get the wine?” I was like, “I don’t understand what that means.” When did you get the wine? “Put on your jammies.” We had sex. I was like, “Presents! Never gonna let you down. It’s a long story. I am a smooth touch. I know guys don’t care. I like pizza, I definitely have pizza. It’s quality of life, not quantity. OK, hon, it sounds like you are just really stressed out. Jen Kirkman's new Netflix special I'm Gonna Die Alone (And I Feel Fine) is a feature-length brow-beating that is both quizzical in nature and mystified in practice. I used to go to a couples’ dinner every weekend. I don’t have a cat, but when a single woman dies alone, a cat appears. – That was crazy. “One-ring Dave. “I don’t want those plates anymore. Stop. How would that ever happen? I’m such an old loser.” He doesn’t want to hang out.” I’ve never texted with a 20-year-old. As a woman who gained the weight, it… Pants didn’t fit anymore, but not where you would think, like right here. But my friend is taking a class called “How to keep your toddler empowered.” I’m like, “I don’t think that group needs empowering.” I’ve seen them. I don’t understand what you’re saying.” He’s just like, “Boobs!” I’m like, “OK, forget it.” ‘Cause I can’t just think about a penis. 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